


up shit's creek without a paddle

by DocDufresne



Category: CallMeKevin - Fandom
Genre: CallMeKevin - Freeform, F/M, except im not, i legit fell in love w shawns character in the gta v rps, i wrote this like 2 years ago lmao, im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:22:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22132492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DocDufresne/pseuds/DocDufresne
Summary: “gta v rp but we have a crazy plan” but from shawndageek's pov
Relationships: Grognak/CDD, Grognak/Shawndageek
Comments: 9
Kudos: 21





	up shit's creek without a paddle

There’s this theory Shawn read on some website at 3 AM that there is this one single moment -- _a catalyst_ \-- that makes your entire life flip and divert onto a new path than it had been on before.

This theory is, of course, an absolute load of horseshit. And even if this theory was true, this catalyst definitely, without a doubt, would not occur while Shawn’s cutting through the park with a couple of his friends to go crack open some cold ones at Lexy’s apartment.

When they see her--

(her? him--they?)

(...it?)

When they see _Grognak_ standing out on the sidewalk, Joe hardly suppresses a snort, meets eyes with Shawn, and they share a little snicker. The corner of Shawn’s lip quirks up as they approach and get a better view of this circus act.

Man, is this person a sight, all strong brow-bone and deep under-eye circles clashing viciously against their lithe, feminine body. It feels a bit odd on the eyes at first to acknowledge that that head is attached to that body.

Weird.

Before he even realizes he’s saying it aloud, the words “They made your head look funny” tumble out of Shawn’s mouth clumsily.

Finer first words have never been spoken.

By an unspoken agreement, Shawn and his friends stop and instinctively circle the stranger, being careful to keep their distance.

Shawn’s only really lending half an ear to whatever they all start going on about, opting to fiddle with his phone instead, until Grognak asks about being shown around the city. To really put the icing on this dumpster cake of a conversation, Grognak then gives a salacious wink, making absolutely sure that everyone in the circle sees it.

Shawn instinctively shoves his phone back into his pocket to give Grognak his full attention when he huffs out, “Fuck no, dude, you are a terror on everything.”

In a short-lived moment, he makes eye contact with Grognak and quirks a bushy eyebrow. A small smile flits across their face, and Shawn can’t help but contort his face into disbelief.

Weirrrrd.

The second time he sees Grognak, it’s a couple weeks later in the exact same spot outside the park -- this time, however, Shawn’s alone and Grognak's decked out in some new head accessories. She's-- they're lingering around and interacting with passersby, which is certainly not illegal, but Shawn just wishes they would do it literally _anywhere_ else.

He’s tempted to keep his eyes focused forward and act like he didn’t notice Grognak, who he’s now convinced is homeless. He tries to act like seeing the head of a gruff, bald, middle-aged man on top of the body of a pretty 20-year old lady is something that happens everyday. This tactic gets him so incredibly close to making it scot-free out of the danger zone.

All it takes, though, is a brief flicker of his eyes in Grognak’s direction for them to notice him. They open their mouth, and Shawn is officially stranded in a conversation with this terror without his friends as a backup net.

However, to Shawn’s surprise, it's not as unpleasant as he expected. It's all just small talk and some general chatter (with a few odd remarks on Grognak’s side that Shawn had honestly expected). They talk about the weather and the friends he had been with before and a new restaurant that opened up down the street and just the most average, boring topics one could imagine.

It’s a bit surreal overall, so Shawn’s grateful for Grognak’s new sunglasses. It turns the conversation into something that feels a lot more detached, not having to look into their tired eyes. This detail may be pretty small, but it’s making him receptive, bold almost. It's making him enjoy speaking with this eldritch horror of a human being.

There’s a lull in the conversation that Shawn takes advantage of by unapologetically admitting to Grognak’s new headphones looking “creepy AF...y’know, C.A.F.” but when Shawn hears that Grognak’s getting insulted so much, a tinge of guilt take him by surprise.

To extend an olive branch, he tries teaching Grognak to insult people back. He even breaks out his classic beard zinger on some poor random guy, then gestures expectantly to Grognak. To his dismay, they somehow manage to botch it, so he instinctively tries to correct it. When Grognak’s mistakes and fumbling persist, Shawn watches with a shake of his head and a small quirk to his lips. There’s an indescribable feeling blooming in his chest, but he can’t be fucked to look into it.

Once they both give up the insult lessons for the day, the two waste no time in exchanging goodbyes, and Shawn heads his own way back to his apartment, whistling and feeling weirdly giddy.

The third time? The third time, of fucking course, it’s right outside the same park. This time, there was no coincidentally stumbling across each other like the previous two times. No, this time, Grognak specifically called for paramedics so that “Suspenders Magee” would show up, and that fact alone kind of scares him because he doesn’t remember ever telling Grognak that he’s a paramedic.

He doesn’t really have time to dwell on it now because him and a couple of coworkers are now lingering outside of the park, trying to get everything sorted out with Grognak, and he’s getting tired, and it’s so hot his suit feels scratchy, and he’s had a rough day, and he has a job he needs to fucking do, and-and-and he’s getting just plain pissed off.

What if someone tries to call for actual help, but he can’t get to them in time because he’s busy fucking off in a local park? What if his boss thinks he had some role to play in this and punishes him for Grognak’s doing?

So, when Grognak calls him “Suspenders Magee,” he decides, y’know what? Fuck it. He can play along too.

Of course he knows Suspenders Magee isn’t a racial slur, and he’s only half-certain that he won’t be up shit’s creek without a paddle for calling the police over something this downright stupid, but fuuuuuck it.

The cops zoom out with Grognak in handcuffs, and Shawn only has half a second to think about what’ll become of Grognak before his coworkers sweep him up in a conversation while clambering back into the ambulance.

He thinks Grognak will be fine. They stomp villages on the regular; they can handle an overnight stay in a holding cell.

When he gets home that night, as he’s dropping his keys into the basket in the entrance, he pauses and scrubs a rough hand over his face. He considers stopping by the police station for a visit. However, his bed is calling him, so he succumbs to his growing exhaustion. First thing tomorrow morning, he’ll go check up on Grognak.

The holding cell ends up being empty, and he looks like a complete asshole walking out the police station not even five minutes after he walked in.

For the next couple months, Shawn doesn’t see Grognak at all, which doesn’t add up because, from what he hears, she’s been all over the city doing some wack-ass shit.

It’s break-time after a case that dispatched both paramedics and police when Shawn’s exchanging crazy stories with some of the cops. There’s one about a bank robbery, which ended up being a ploy for some bald man-lady to ask the cops for weed to treat some fake disease called “amnosia,” and Shawn knows deep in his bones exactly who the cop is talking about.

(When the cop mentions that Grognak was with a boytoy, Shawn’s fingertips twitch, and he gets this uncomfortable feeling under his skin that he immediately shakes off. Some of the other cops tell their fair share of wacky stories, but he only lends half an ear, feeling hollow.)

It’s a meeting with an old friend to catch up at a local pub. And, sure, the guy’s a pretentious rich asshole, but he always picks up the bill when they go drinking, so Shawn always sits and nods absentmindedly as his friend rants about small misfortunes. Then he starts raving about how some “ugly, bald-headed tranny with weird headphones” scared off his dog Scruffy, insulted his premium caviar sweater, then heckled him when he walked away. Then, apparently he’d had another run-in with Grognak when they bumped a fucking taco truck into his car, then caused a whole ruckus about parking.

(Shawn hides his proud smirk behind his drink, levelling a soft gaze at the wooden table in front of him.)

It’s plenty of fleeting moments with friends who mention an avid communist, mention an odd lawyer who argues both sides of a case, mention a taco truck selling only raw buns, mention a hot pink jeep with neon green accents.

Somehow, it all links back to Grognak.

With each story, it’s getting harder to deny that Shawn’s intrigued about the life Grognak’s been rapidly building since those times the two had met in that park. At the same time, though, he finds that he’s also been getting more disappointed.

All these crazy stories he hears yet never experiences. And it makes him think. Think back to those wizened eyes, thinks back to Grognak’s surprisingly soft hands as they clap him on the shoulder and call him Suspenders Magee, thinks back to when he felt all warm just over Grognak botching an insult--

Fuck, that was fondness, he had been feeling fond over that stupid thing.

Shawn realizes that he’s heard quite a number of pretty crazy stories -- he’s lived a couple of them too, but the ones involving Grognak are the only ones he actually wanted to be there for.

But not merely be there, no. He wanted to be specifically by Grognak’s side during them.

Despite being able to pinpoint fondness, he still can’t seem to figure out what that gross feeling he got when the cop mentioned Grognak’s boytoy was.

After the still-fresh realization, he’s almost too scared to think into the negative feeling and what it meant.

He drifts through the day with an empty head, the facts floating absently in his mind yet unable to be processed. All the facts are there, but it still feels like something’s missing. A connection he can’t make, something linking everything together that just refuses to click.

That night, when he tries to unlock his front door, he drops his keys twice before making it. He beelines straight to bed, stripping down to his boxers as he goes, and spends a while staring at the ceiling, still trying to connect these dots, as the few rays of sunshine streaming through his curtains dim out to the dark nighttime.

When Shawn wakes up, it’s with a start as he tries to jerk out of his blankets. Instead, he accidentally ends up flinging himself on the floor.

Jealousy. The gross feeling was jealousy because the one connection he had been missing all this time was an incredibly-repressed crush on Grognak.

Everything finally clicks into place.

He stays on the floor, his comforter pooling around him. Minutes pass, and hysterical laughter bubbles out of him. Through the bout of delirium, he holds a shaking hand to his face, his touch the only thing keeping him grounded.

It takes Shawn a couple days to come to terms with it. After all, it’s not like he’s seeing Grognak on a daily basis. Or ever.

He still catches the odd story about a bald nonbinary beast who stomps villages, and he finally acknowledges and accepts the secret satisfaction he gets from hearing these stories.

Of course, because Shawn’s luck is the way it is, it’s only a week after The Realization that he’s clambering out of the ambulance and surveying a couple limp bodies. In his periphery, he recognizes a pair of headphones.

In any other case, she would’ve been a sight for sore eyes; now, however, seeing such an unstoppable force crumpled on the ground just sets him on edge.

He swallows dryly and attends to Grognak before the other paramedics on the job can get to them.

On principle, he refuses to acknowledge the man standing over Grognak’s body, but the man doesn’t seem to notice this, going off about amnosia. Thankfully, the terse note in Shawn’s voice as he defensively responds to the inquiries goes unnoticed.

Once Grognak’s up and better, Shawn forces himself to move away to the other victims while still keeping an eye on Grognak and their boytoy.

The two are standing too close together, and Shawn’s fingertips itch to claim territory that isn’t his. Overhears Grognak calling the guy CDD. Notices that CDD sees Grognak as a woman, so Shawn quickly rechecks the pronouns he uses for Grognak.

The paramedics wrap up quickly and head out, but Grognak doesn’t even say goodbye. Shawn tries to throw himself into the conversations that his coworkers are having but keeps finding his mind drift back to matching sunglasses and a bond of trust that can only really flourish with love. It sets his insides on fire.

Luck must be a lady tonight, though, because not even 24 hours later, they’re on-site for a call about a 19 year old boy who’d been knocked unconscious by an infamous village-stomper.

This time, CDD’s off talking to some other paramedics, but Grognak is just pacing in front of the boy’s body. When she sees Shawn, though, she runs toward him, waving frantically. A sight that would strike fear into the hearts of many but only causes butterflies to start up in Shawn’s.

However, he recognizes that this is bad timing to be gushy, so he schools his expression and absently responds to Grognak calling her apparent son stupid.

Shawn works quickly and smiles teasingly when CDD mentions that Grognak had punched her son, “I thought you were a woman, you should have dainty fists.”

That quickly devolves into a talk about Grognak’s gender -- a talk that Shawn thinks Grognak should really be piping up for. In spite of this, she stays silent through it all, choosing instead to watch amusedly as Shawn flusters about when CDD yells “DOES YOU NOT SEE HER PUPPIES?” repeatedly.

Shawn’s face heats up when he lets slip a soft-spoken compliment -- and an awful one at that. Seriously? “Nice-shaped ears”? Embarrassment bubbles up in his gut, but he tries to keep it off his face.

Now, let it be said that Shawn never claimed to be a good liar. Because when Grognak accuses him of trying to get in her pants, all his internal alarms start going off and he finally manages to get out a hesitant “I actually got my eyes on somebody.”

He immediately regrets it because Grognak’s starting to look all starry-eyed up at him, her delighted eyes peeking out over her sunglasses. She plops down and clearly gets settled in for a good bit of gossip, so Shawn turns his eyes to the sky in a silent prayer before continuing.

“We can’t just go off and have dinner while we’re working, y’know?” He rubs his arm sheepishly, thinking back to a story a friend had told him about Grognak being a 24/7 lawyer.

Shawn impassively listens as Grognak goes off about some unnecessarily violent plan. At the mention of the word “husband,” Shawn can feel his pupils dilate, but then the split second of dismay quickly ebbs away to confusion because, surely, they had put two and two together, right? They must know it’s Grognak he’s talking about.

Maybe they’re in an open relationship? The thought brings forth some sort of hope that maybe, just maybe, he’s still got a chance in the long-run.

So, y’know what? Fuck it. Again, he plays along.

And, exactly like the last time he played along, the police unfortunately get involved. This time Shawn can proudly say it wasn’t his fault, Grognak and her crew were the ones who held another paramedic hostage by accident.

Daisy must have just been unfortunate enough to get caught in the crossfire. It happens.

He makes polite small talk to help calm her down but makes sure to keep watching with a small smile -- a fond smile -- as Grognak dances with CDD and yells something about child-bearing hips. Daisy leans forward to whisper something to him, her fingers gently touching his forearm, but the words all go in one ear and out the other as Shawn’s world had pretty much been narrowed down to just him and that beautiful hulking beast tearing up the dance floor.

It actually ends up being a really nice time, and he only has a couple regrets regarding the whole thing. Even Daisy’s starting to look like she’s loosening up, which is nice, because he knows that her own boys have been wearing her real thin lately. She deserves this good time as much as the rest of them.

He’s had a good number of champagne flutes by the time Grognak sidles up to the table again, so when she makes herself comfortable between the two paramedics, he feels everything that’s been building up in him for months now start to spill over.

With a wistful sigh, he puts down the glass he had recently refilled, then proclaims words he’s been meaning to say for far too long, “Ever since I saw you in the park, and you told me you identified as a man, I knew you were more than a man--”

But, then, Grognak’s interrupting and looking alarmed, and Shawn’s a little disappointed yet resigned because he’d expected to get at least a little further in his confession before he was shot down.

She grabs his arm, and the room’s blurring by as Grognak strides away from the table with Shawn in tow, damn-near dragging him behind her. He hardly manages to stumble along, unable to tear his eyes away from the back of her head or to wipe the silly grin off his face. Surely, she intends to have her wicked way with him because they both know that she would’ve had the balls to outright reject him in front of everyone else. So maybe he does still stand a chance.

Only once they’re behind closed doors does Shawn steady himself with a bubbly smile, staring up into those grizzled eyes he has come to know and love.

His smile drops into a blank expression when he notices the frazzled look Grognak’s sporting, and he subconsciously leans in a bit, downright intoxicated by the whole situation. He wants to kiss the frown off her face but just barely manages to hold himself back.

“What are you doing? You’re throwing me under the bus here,” She gestures wildly with her hands, finally turning her intense gaze on him, “I don’t even know why I’m helping you. Hit on her, say she has beautiful--”

“Hit on who?” He asks before he can think about it, the fuzziness in his brain quickly dissipating as he realizes that they’re somehow not on the same page here.

“The doctor...right?” The two make tense eye contact, and it’s still not clicking for Shawn.

“The doctor? What doctor?”

“Yeah, th-the person-- the EMS person. Daisy,” Grognak’s frazzled expression fades to something that’s more pure confusion.

“Daisy?” And only then do all the pieces come together for Shawn, “She’s already wrapped up in a love triangle. Oh, dear lord, are you trying to get me killed?”

He runs a hand through his hair, eyes wide, as he realizes just how fucked he really is right now. Cops waiting outside, two jealous guys possibly ganging up on him in the near future, and at the center of it all: Grognak, still blissfully unaware of what he had been so ready to declare only five minutes prior.

“I thought that you were after Daisy?”

“Nooo, I can’t be after Daisy!” He bites his lip and turns his back to Grognak, unable to face her when there’s so many emotions swirling inside his chest, building and building and building.

“Wait, who are you after then?”

And that’s the straw that breaks the Shawndageek’s back.

All of the emotions that had been storming in his chest drain out of him, and suddenly he can get his bearings again.

He takes a deep breath in, spins around, and steps forward with a sly grin, “Why are you even playing coy with me? What are you doing right now?”

He gets the delight of seeing the understanding dawn on her face, sees firsthand as her eyes widen and her mouth drops open slightly to utter a soft “oh my god” followed by a couple more, each becoming more powerful as she finally realizes.

**Author's Note:**

> id just like to mention that literally every single character thats mentioned in this, even the bg ones, are characters/people that were actually in the gta v series .. i have spent so much fucking time rewatching the series just to include little details and callbacks in this fic. fuck  
> anyways my tumblr is @callmegrognak


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